SMS jokes

I'm sweet like sugar,
soft like suade,
but unlike nintentdo,
i never get played!
[- liz]

Why sex is better than golf:
No green fee,
smaller hole
need only 1 stick & 2 balls,
more strokes
noisy playing permitted
wet conditions ideal!
[- pierre]

life's not a garden,
so stop acting like a hoe!
[- liz]

If u think life is bad, imagine being a chicken egg...
U only get laid once, u only get smashed once
and the only bird who sits on your face is your mum
[- a]

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair.
that's your father.
then who that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us
[- hareesh]

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Hey! You are driving a car, not a phone booth.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It is important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory!

Money talks and often just says Good Bye.

Two nudists got divorced because they were seeing too much of each other.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him off the top of a cliff.

A scientist crossed a skunk with an owl. He's got a bird that smells but doesn't give a hoot.

Can I have a return ticket please. Certainly, where to? Back here, you fool.

Why are all the dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.

The thief stole a calendar. He got 12 months.

Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

here's my halo
made of glass
mess with me
and i'll kick ur ass
[- wittle angel]

Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

If I wanted a bitch... I would have bought a DOG!

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Not afraid of heights... afraid of widths.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

He gets plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.